utenzi

Here in the USA we have elections all the time. Seems like every few months there's something else to vote for (or against) but it's the 4 year Presidential cycle that gets the most attention. Gearing up for this election began almost as soon as that dick currently residing in the Oval Office got elected. Personally I try to ignore politics since I see it as a lose-lose situation. No matter who we elect, we end up getting screwed because it's the people with money that get first consideration when laws are drafted, enforced and adjudicated. Politicians make public promises to the poor and middle class, where the majority of the votes reside, but it's the private promises to the well heeled that actually get kept. Anyway, here's a joke that pretty much sums up my view of politics: A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him la...

Let's start off with a joke: A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help." Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?" The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?" That joke transitions us into an inside joke, if you'll excuse the slight pun. Last weekend Lee and I were watching that excruciatingly long 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie and near the middle there was a scene between Will Turner and Elizabeth Sw...

These are examples of those horrid nasty sexist jokes that I, like most men, absolutely deplore. They have no basis in reality and I only provide them here as a negative example of humor at its worst: ------------------------------------------------------------------- How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' --...

I was lying in bed tonight trying to get to sleep and it occurred to me that what with all this global warming stuff going on, and the resulting increase in ocean levels, it might be a very good time to take SCUBA lessons. Can't hurt, good hobby and all that, and it might come in very handy in the future. I really need more sleep. I found this graphic on The Humor Archives but it wasn't credited so I don't know where it originally came from. Some Jokes: "Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing: Gary Coleman is going to drown." --Conan O'Brien "President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'" --Jay Leno "According to a new U.N. report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad wh...

I saw a movie review on that Ebert/Roeper show this past weekend about killer sheep. The movie's name is Black Sheep and both reviewers panned the movie. I thought the clip they showed was funny but I suspect the one-joke nature of the movie would be hard to sustain over the course of a feature length film. They compared Black Sheep to the Evil Rabbit scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail --which I think is good company to be in. " That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! " LOL But in honor of the film Black Sheep , whether a good movie or bad, I'm presenting a short collection of "Sheep jokes". Be warned, many contain inferred sexual content! They're also often not kind to the Welsh. It makes me wonder just what goes on in those pretty green fields of Wales... What's the fastest thing in Wales? A Virgin Sheep. Whats the second fastest thing in Wales? The virgin sheep's shepherd. What do you call a Wel...

Speeding Farmer A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer....