A few medical jokes

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.”

The Doctor's Dad

An elderly man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he is about to receive the anesthesia, the old man asks to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Medical History

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A Medical Diagnosis

A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks.

"You're not eating properly," replies the Doctor.

An Accurate Assessment

The chairman of a large charity noted that the wealthy CEO of a major managed care company had never given him a donation He called on the CEO in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"

The CEO replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them," he continued, "why should I give any to you?"


srp said…
The lawyer was questioning the Pathologist for a malpractice case....

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No

Q: Did you check for breathing or blood pressure?
A: No

Q:So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. His brain was sitting in a jar on the counter at the time.

Q: But could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?

A: No..... well, I suppose it could be possible. IF HE WAS AN ATTORNEY!!!
keda said…
hey you! i haven't been here in ages!

and after these jokes i don't know whether to laugh or cry!

hope you are well babe.
Nancy said…
LOL! These are cute. I can never remember jokes!
kristal said…
Ha! I like the one about the doctor's dad. In-laws, gotta love em. Have a great day.

Michele sent me.
Carmi said…
My stomach hurts from these. They're deliciously biting!

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