Jokes with flies

Speeding Farmer

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

A Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age,the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

New Restaurant

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant...
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

A Riddle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer in BOLD below the next joke

Baby Planes

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

A RIDDLE Punchline

Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.


kenju said…
Love that last one!!
chase said…
OMG they are so funny I really like "The Bug" segment the most as well as "Baby Planes"

Thanks for the good laugh!
Bob-kat said…
LOL! Those are great, especially the last one.
Deana said…
Thanks for the laughs this morning!
Nancy said…
Ha ha ha! Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for the giggle! I needed that.
MissMeliss said…
Can't decide between giggling and groaning as I was induced to do both by these jokes.

Happy Friday.
Carmi said…
After reading these excellent funnies, I've come to a number of conclusions:

1 - I'm never eating out again.
2 - I need to get myself back onto a merry go round. It's been too long.
3 - I wish Southwest serviced my area. I'd fly them in a heartbeat.

Thank you for the laugh. I needed it today.
Janejill said…
My favourite has to be the spoon one - very well told too. Hi Utenzi - its been such a long time since I visited - got caught up in other things; keep up the research please x

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