Philosophy Jokes
Descartes walks into a café and sits down ready to order. A
waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!
* * * * * * *
Overheard in 18th century England: "Did you hear that George
Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him."
* * * * * * *
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? "Make me one
with everything."
* * * * * * *
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up late at night, pondering the existence of Dog.
* * * * * * *
An engineer, theoretical physicist, experimental physicist, and philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. On top of one hill, they see a black sheep off in the distance.
Engineer: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black."
Experimental physicist: "Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black."
Theoretical physicst: "Well, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."
Philosopher: "Well, on one side, anyway."
* * * * * * *
An engineer and a philosopher are given a problem: Before them lies a naked woman, but to reach her, they can only step half the distance, then half again, then half again and so on. The philosopher despairs, knowing that it is a pointless exercise, but the engineer starts off.
"Why bother?" the philosopher asks.
"Because I'll get near enough!"
* * * * * * *
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like (3x^2)+8x-9."
The disciples looked very puzzled until Peter explained, "Don't worry, fellas, it's just another one of his parabolas."
* * * * * * *
Christian: Atheism is a religion.
Atheist: No it is not. Atheists worship nothing.
Christian: See? Atheism is a religion!
Atheist: What? I just told you that atheists believe in nothing and have faith in nothing.
Christian: Still denying? Atheism worships nothing, believes in nothing, and has faith in nothing! Yet you still deny that atheism is a religion?
Atheist: . . . .
* * * * * * *
Philosophical Warning Labels
Solipsism Warning:
The consumer should be aware that he or she may be the only entity in the universe, and therefore that any perceived defects in product quality are the consumer's own fault.
Determinism Safety Advisory:
Every citizen be advised that despite the possibility that his or her acts are all entirely predetermined by the blind mechanical nature of the universe and are therefore unavoidable and inescapable, he or she will still incur a legal responsibility and liability for any torts, violations, misdemeanors, or felonies he or she commits.
Knowledge-Definition Warning:
Because knowledge is defined for the purpose of this product literature as "justified true belief", the manufacturer cannot prove that they "know" any of the information provided with this product to be true, correct, complete, or consistent because they cannot demonstrate their internal belief states through the principle of Philosphic Privacy.
Cartesian Evil Genius Alert:
The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor any possible legal remedy.
Epistemological Denotation Warning:
The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.
Non-Universal Ethics Notice:
Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness", "equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the advertised properties of the product.
Godelian Product Disclaimer:
As it has been proven that there are many true but unproveable statements, the manufacturer cannot be held liable for any of its unsupported product claims.
Penrose Addendum to Godelian Disclaimer:
Despite the above warning, the manufacturer is confident that all its product claims are true because of its mystically acquired and computationally unrepudiable organic intuition. Unfortunately, the manufacturer cannot in any way demonstrate that its intuition is correct, or indeed that it has an intuition.
Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:
Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and ephysema, and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.
waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears!
* * * * * * *
Overheard in 18th century England: "Did you hear that George
Berkeley died? His girlfriend stopped seeing him."
* * * * * * *
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? "Make me one
with everything."
* * * * * * *
What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up late at night, pondering the existence of Dog.
* * * * * * *
An engineer, theoretical physicist, experimental physicist, and philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. On top of one hill, they see a black sheep off in the distance.
Engineer: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black."
Experimental physicist: "Well, some of the sheep in Scotland are black."
Theoretical physicst: "Well, at least one sheep in Scotland is black."
Philosopher: "Well, on one side, anyway."
* * * * * * *
An engineer and a philosopher are given a problem: Before them lies a naked woman, but to reach her, they can only step half the distance, then half again, then half again and so on. The philosopher despairs, knowing that it is a pointless exercise, but the engineer starts off.
"Why bother?" the philosopher asks.
"Because I'll get near enough!"
* * * * * * *
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like (3x^2)+8x-9."
The disciples looked very puzzled until Peter explained, "Don't worry, fellas, it's just another one of his parabolas."
* * * * * * *
Christian: Atheism is a religion.
Atheist: No it is not. Atheists worship nothing.
Christian: See? Atheism is a religion!
Atheist: What? I just told you that atheists believe in nothing and have faith in nothing.
Christian: Still denying? Atheism worships nothing, believes in nothing, and has faith in nothing! Yet you still deny that atheism is a religion?
Atheist: . . . .
* * * * * * *
Philosophical Warning Labels
Solipsism Warning:
The consumer should be aware that he or she may be the only entity in the universe, and therefore that any perceived defects in product quality are the consumer's own fault.
Determinism Safety Advisory:
Every citizen be advised that despite the possibility that his or her acts are all entirely predetermined by the blind mechanical nature of the universe and are therefore unavoidable and inescapable, he or she will still incur a legal responsibility and liability for any torts, violations, misdemeanors, or felonies he or she commits.
Knowledge-Definition Warning:
Because knowledge is defined for the purpose of this product literature as "justified true belief", the manufacturer cannot prove that they "know" any of the information provided with this product to be true, correct, complete, or consistent because they cannot demonstrate their internal belief states through the principle of Philosphic Privacy.
Cartesian Evil Genius Alert:
The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor any possible legal remedy.
Epistemological Denotation Warning:
The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.
Non-Universal Ethics Notice:
Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness", "equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the advertised properties of the product.
Godelian Product Disclaimer:
As it has been proven that there are many true but unproveable statements, the manufacturer cannot be held liable for any of its unsupported product claims.
Penrose Addendum to Godelian Disclaimer:
Despite the above warning, the manufacturer is confident that all its product claims are true because of its mystically acquired and computationally unrepudiable organic intuition. Unfortunately, the manufacturer cannot in any way demonstrate that its intuition is correct, or indeed that it has an intuition.
Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:
Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and ephysema, and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or die.
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